Sandwiched – Torn between kids and parents
Back in the eighties everyone in my hometown dreamt and made a dash for the borders.
Not because of war, or imminent crises, but because of the promise of a better life.
Now, mind you, most of my hometown of Bandra consisted of Catholic or Christian communities.
We left home to get a ‘better’ quality of life – whatever that meant – financial, free of stress, etc.
But, I often wonder – is it really a better quality of life?
Boomer Parents
What many did not plan for was what to do with the parents left behind.
Or, what to do with the parents that came along.
No real plan. It was we who were looking for higher education or better jobs.
Some planned ahead – parents left in charge of the ancestral home.
Hold on to Prime property – that was there whenever the NRI (non-resident Indian) decided to visit.
Fast Forward to Today
Today those parents – our parents are in their eighties and nineties.
They cannot look after ancestral property.
They don’t want to live alone. Or in a nursing home.
They live with one kid and their grandkids.
Or they travel between kids – some traveling several times a year to different continents.
Many trade places with the opposite inlaws every six months, staying six months in India, and six overseas.
They do this to spend time with the grandkids mostly.
They are our kids’ babysitters and supporters through a divorce.
They are there to take the kids off the bus, go on weekend jaunts with the family and make memories.
If they live with their kids – there may be a conflict between them and the daughter-in-law or son-in-law.
Resentment sets in on both sides.
And the sandwich generation gets to feel it.
Who or what is the ‘Sandwich Generation’?
It is us. Sandwiched between our parents and our kids.
How do we feel about being sandwiched?
We feel grateful for the help with the kids. But maybe the spouse is resentful that they also don’t have their parent living with them.
The Sandwich generation may feel they need to include their parent in all decisions making with their spouse.
A weekend getaway may lead to the feeling they need to invite parents along.
A trip to the movies – same thing.
If not – there may be feelings of guilt. Guilt that the said parent is alone at home while we are out enjoying.
These issues however small, unless defined cause resentment and friction in a marriage.
Or, prevent the Sandwich Generation from wanting to date if single (divorced or widowed).
How can we take the kids out and leave Papa and Nana alone at home?
Left Behind
The worry does not get less if they are back home. Living alone.
Yes, sure they may be attending church, visiting those who may still stay, or better, getting visits from the friends that stayed.
But, what plan did they have while their kids – us – left to go overseas?
Some lucky ones who were not widowed went ahead with their retirement plans.
(Mine gave up her retirement plans to move to be near me. And, for that I am forever grateful).
Others were pretty much alone.
And the sandwich generation worries about their safety, health, the decision-making without input from the sons and daughters.
Who cares for us?
There is a lot of material out there on aging, Alzheimer’s, dementia, and caring for the elderly.
But does anyone talk about the carers of the elderly?
Are there any support groups for them?
Who do they turn to when they are tired, exhausted, drained of all options, or run out of ideas?
Who do they give their long ‘to-do’ lists to?
Who can they hand over responsibility if they want or need a break?
The sandwich generation is given the responsibility of making tough decisions.
Things that grate on your last nerve
From sharing kitchens to sharing properties – nerves get frayed, tempers flare and relationships get severed.
Who disciplines the grandkids? Conflicts can arise when there is more than one source of discipline in the home.
The sandwich generation may have to endure, raised eyebrows and tongue-clicking from the parent or parent-in-law, on decisions that differ from theirs when it comes to raising the kids, or married life and choices of work or lifestyle.
Should we go ahead and discipline our kids as we see fit? Or, should we respect our mother’s or mother in laws way?
These can take a toll over time.
Sandwiched between decisions
What about if the parent is sick? Who gets to look after them? Who bears the major responsibility?
What if one sibling is back home and the rest overseas?
Do they bring their parents overseas – uprooting them – the parents – from what they have known all their lives?
Do they keep their parents back home – many transferred unwillingly into senior facilities just to reassure the offspring they will be taken care of properly.
What if one sibling is the one that the aging parent lives with, while the others are not near, or don’t take an active part?
I know this post has more questions than answers.
I talked about the conflict over meals in another post. It may seem trivial but when it is a daily occurrence over a span of 20-30 years, it is exhausting.
Our parents are living longer thanks to advanced medicine but something must be done to provide well-rounded support to those who care for them.
Especially those who do not have the inclination or money to put them in a senior care facility.
This is by no means an indictment against those that have no choice but to do that.
Is this life better?
I ask myself the question many times.
What is the better life that we were seeking? Especially now, that we are the sandwich generation?
Materially better? Or holistically better – where not only are our children given a better future but our parents too?
All around me, I see friends torn between their families and their parents.
Marriages are on the brink or dissolved entirely, careers are put on hold, and families are fractured.
And children and grandparents are aware of the conflict. Both feel like they impose.
Add to that the stress of the pandemic, and the resulting inflation, and the sandwich generation is dealing with high levels of stress.
To Therapy or Not
I want to add here that most people of my generation from the Indian subcontinent don’t really take mental health care and therapy seriously.
We stoically ‘take up our cross’ and do what is required of us to do.
Having friends who go through similar predicaments is one thing.
I have found out that having even that one friend who can hear you out, understand, trade stories, and empathize is worth more than gold.
I will be sharing some strategies in my next post. And yes, my dear fellow Sandwich Gen, it may include seeing that therapist.
What are your thoughts on this subject? Feel free to comment.
Another brilliant post from Thinkologie that articulates the range of emotions that us “sandwich generation” experience.
Reading this blog felt like a therapy session. It helped to know that I’m not alone and brought validation and empathy to the myriad of emotions so many of my generation encounter, stemming from our decisions to leave home and aging parents behind to seek out better opportunities.
Thank you, Bernadette!