Care of Elderly Indian Parents While Living Abroad
As I said in a previous post, many of us left India in the early days to pursue a living.
Did we have a plan for what to do with our parents once they got older?
I know some families that do.
And many that do not.
I know I had a not-well-thought-out plan.
I asked my mom to live with me, telling her she did not need to work at the time. She was 55 and retired when she immigrated.
I was single.
I am also grateful that for the time I was married, my spouse was happy to have Mom live with us.
But, what happens when the parents don’t live with the kids?
Bouncing between continents
Quite a few elderly travel back and forth.
Most like it as it gives them a chance to be active.
To spend quality time with their kids.
But for how long?
This is the question that I saw play out as a teenager.
My grandmother had 3 kids in the US and 2 in Bombay.
She spent her last years shuttling between continents.
Spending 6 months alternatively until she could not physically handle the journey.
And this is what usually happens.
And we should be prepared for it beforehand.
We spend lifetimes planning for college, career, and marriage.
Why don’t we prepare for the winter seasons of our lives and our parents’ lives?
When parents can no longer suffer long waits for visas, travel long and arduous journeys to be with us what do we do?
What and how do we resolve the sadness and homesickness they feel if they live overseas away from their homes?
To move or not
Quite naturally once this stage is reached, what do the elderly do?
Sometimes they move.
They leave their properties behind.
They leave their friends behind.
And, they leave their lives as they know them and are comfortable with – behind.
Often involuntarily.
Some do not voice their real opinions.
They prefer to not rock the boat.
They do not really want to move but move they do because ‘what would people say otherwise?’
Or they move because they miss their offspring and grand offspring.
Some chose to stay behind – earning much loneliness in the bargain.
There is a tremendous cost to all these decisions either way.
Living another lifetime.
Many of these aging boomers, unknowingly start living another very different life when they move.
It does not sink in till a little time has passed.
Many do not know how to drive. And feel it was too late to learn in a country with fast-moving cars.
This elderly gen is afraid of talking to people because perhaps they don’t understand the accent.
Or, they are afraid they may not be understood.
They are scared to take the escalator.
Walk around the neighborhood alone.
And frightened to start a new life at the ripe old age of 65-70 plus.
Working is out of the question.
Then there is the question of where to live.
The place they have known and grown comfortable in all their lives is gone.
To be replaced by a fancy house with a picket fence.
I often wonder if that is indeed part of the ‘quality of life’ that we the sandwich gen seek overseas.
This quality of life – is it just for us and our kids?
But, it is another post for another time.
Looking for a home
This part is sometimes left to us. The Sandwich Gen.
To us to decide where they should live.
Not an easy decision.
As a member of the “Sandwich Generation,” it can be challenging to balance caring for both elderly parents and children and pleasing both in the bargain.
Should we find a place for them?
Should we pick one of the bedrooms in our home?
What about an assisted living nearby? Will they like the western food? And make friends once again?
Or how about an in-law apartment added to our McMansion?
Balancing Act
Navigating this role requires careful consideration and balancing of responsibilities.
Choosing a place should be a conversation that is had between the aging parents, and ALL the kids.
I am sorry, but leaving it to one sibling is not cool.
And transparency? Right on the table – immediately.
Nobody can face these issues alone.
Siblings should chip in to support. Why leave the financial burden to one kid?
Didn’t Mom and Dad raise all the kids?
It does take a village to raise kids. But it also takes a village to care for the elderly.
If you disagree, take a look at any assisted living facility or nursing home.
And the main point is these hard-to-have conversations should be finalized in writing.
There! I said it!
In this day and age, I have seen too many fractured families.
Again I ask, is this the quality of life you were looking for?
I am going to say something a little bit harsh here.
I am not impressed by the McMansions, high-paying jobs, cool cars, and whatever you do to make your ‘quality of life’ the highest.
I AM impressed by what you do to take care of those who cleaned you when you wore diapers.
This is a fine balancing act that takes courage, strength, patience, and unflinching commitment.
Benefits and Liabilities
Being a part of the Sandwich Gen entails juggling various duties, frequently without a plan.
And if there is a plan it is subject to change.
This calls for flexibility.
While the benefits of having someone to babysit, is not only financial but emotional, there are some downsides.
In the day-to-day routine, we need to walk a tightrope sometimes.
Balancing mundane activities like grocery shopping and cooking can become acts of diplomacy.
How do we please Nana who is longing for her Indian food and the kid who likes only American food?
Check out my post on how food plays a role in disrupting paradise.
From scheduling medical appointments to attending parent-teacher conferences, we the Sandwich Generation tread a fine line between generations, attempting to give the greatest care for both.
Emotional Rollercoaster
Caring for aging parents and children at the same time can be emotionally draining.
Our parents are a welcome buffer for turbulent teens.
But, they too are at a stage when they may not be able to hide their emotions.
We need to be sensitive to catching them when they miss their parents or siblings.
That song or movie can bring back good or bad memories.
We need to watch out for that.
Perhaps play their favorite oldies.
You never know.
I have been told many stories I never knew from my mom’s childhood just because a song triggered a memory.
I have also witnessed her doing a little jig to her favorite Glen Miller song!
What a great enriching experience for our kids to watch our parents grow old gracefully.
And what a unique privilege for us to not only watch our kids but our parents transition through different stages of their lives!
This is a treasure for sure! One for the family history book.
No other choice
If one has no choice but an assisted living or nursing home, choose one after careful consideration.
I will write about this in another post.
What are your thoughts or experiences? Comment below!
